Marriage?!

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Malam makin larut.

Sementara kapasitor-kapasitor dalam otakku makin cepat bekerja.

“Aku gak pengen nikah,”

Celetuk kawan lamaku Aku tidak tahu harus bereaksi apa, namun aku sama sekali tidak kaget atau heran. Angin malam berhembus pelan dan pembicaraan kami mengalir deras seperti aliran sungai untuk arum-jeram.

Sambil menenteng sekantung es teh angkringan depan asrama, aku tergelak mendengar kesungguhan dari cara bicaranya. “Aku heran, Min, kenapa manusia harus nikah? Diperparah dengan perintah agama kita, Sunnatullah, kan. Nikah dapat pahala banyak pulak,” Aku diam. Tidak berniat membalas dengan argumen sebagai opposition team. Hanya ingin menjelaskan–bukan mendebat.

“Dan kenapa pula-,”

“Kita memiliki naluri melanjutkan keturunan?” Potongu cepat. Ia tersenyum mengiyakan.

“Kenapa, Min? Dosakah aku gak nikah?”

Karena aku bukan dari jurusan keagamaan, dan takut asal mengeluarkan statement. aku jelaskan dari sudut pandangku sebagai anak biasa, dengan logika standar,

“Kalo gak gitu, manusia punah, coy!” Ujarku simple.

“ah, biar! Kita udah over-populate kok sebenernya,” Kawanku itu, mengenakan atas mukena menyeruput es teh berkaporitnya.

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Second Email for God-My Confession in Nightmare

I woke up this morning with some dramatically voices.

Every one that still slept, forced to woke up because of that voices. What voice? Sucha pathatic voice you know? My crying. I’m moaned. I dunno. That’s what happened, some black creature ran behind me, it chased me in the dark then i just ran nowhere, till i heard another voice, my friend woke me up.

“Min, hey, please! Wake up! Its just a dream!”

No, hell. I can’t even opened my eyes. God bless me, when i made it. I saw my circumtances, in a very dark room, my bed room in the dorm. I guessed all my friends stared at me. Astonished. I just sat on my bed, then my cry change to a very lil sound. I sob, with lower voice. Then i right away took a pray, and after it, i just close my whole face with my hands. I must stop this silly crying. But, how? If the creature still surrounded me.

My friends only know, maybe i’m in a very high depressed. Or some kindo that. I’m too tired, too frustated. Or etc. But, most of all. The effort came from my real life. That occures nowadays. Quickly, i opened my chat. Just to make sure, it was only- really-my dream. I hugged my pillow. Then fell asleep till noon. And the bed room feel so empty. My roommate has went to school. I grab my bolster, hug in so tight.

“Did you know? It’s my second time dreaming like this shit,” I wishpered to my self.

“And YOU were the subject of all the stories in the dream,” I cried so sad, till i felt there was no tears more. I was just so down. “Did he die?” I checked my cell phone again. He just replied. “Dear, it was just a dream. Istighfar. It’s scared me alot too,” I can take a deep breath, finally, i though. No, he still alive. Even only replied with two sentences.

He started these whole problems. Doesn’t he understood i’m very in to it? He said that he wanna stop our intense conversation for a while, he wants to reduce the intensity

He died second time, in my dream. And i never expect any third time. I need him alive. He is my close friend. So close till i can imagine what might he do right now. I believe, maybe it’s only my reaction that too posessive with any other his change. That maybe, he only wanna make sure, how big our feels each other. Or, how much we need each other.

What the hell! I can’t make any range, no more. If he asked me to make a room between us. It’s like a request for me to forgot him, idiot! In my dream, we haven’t talk for several months–okey, i’ll tell you my dream.

Well Even my parents, told me, that the bad dream is forbid to tell.

Then several months we dont have any chat, i decided to make a call first. He never answered. And i send him a lot of message. From all social medias. He never read it. I wanna go back to my hometown. So i think, its stupid for us, if then we meet, in the other hand we have a BIG DEAL all along. “Dear boy, please, read my message. You dont need to reply, just, read. Please~” I sent him a text.

At last, his parents contacted me. His mom, with a deep sadly sound, talked to me. Tell that he has been waiting for me. So long. And he has been lying on his bad. Lying, on his bed? What does that stupid man do? I though hard.

I decided to just went home. I arrived at his home. And i can saw, there are lot of people with a sorrow noise, crying aloud. I opened my mouth, just to expressed how shock i was. He really did! He really waiting for me. With the pale face, and the white fabric close his body. I dropped my knees on to the floors. He has gone. I.. no.. it’s not.. real. God tell me it isn’t real!

I was too panic to approached his body, to confirm, that it was really him. I ran out his home, and cried so long. Then~ my friend tap my shoulder, softly. “Min, what happen?” I cant even say “ha”. I kept crying. Untill i realized, and opened my eyes just to see my roommates looked at me. Sympathy.

GOD, please. Just please don’t take him go. Not now.

An Email for God

Aku bosan. Dia bilang. Dia pikir aku tidak?

“Kita tiga tahun saling memanggil dengan panggilan kasih-sayang. Hubungan kita mengambang. Kita, begini-begini saja. Aku sungguh bosan,”

Oh, ya. Lalu maumu apa?

“Ayo, kita berhenti sejenak. Agar aku bisa lebih merasakan percakapan kita. Agar kita menikmati hubungan ini,”

Mungkin dalam kamus perempuan. Sejenak artinya SELAMANYA. Dan dengan tidak logis aku berasumsi. Kau tiak lagi menyukaiku. Aku membosankan. Bilang saja begitu.

Lalu dia memohon, Maaf. Katanya. “Tdi ada sedikit kesalahan teknis pada laptopku,”

Mungkin. Laptop cuma salah satu pemicu dia mengungkapkan Uneg-unegnya. Biarlah. Pikirku. Aku siap cari penggantinya. Meski rasanya seperti mencabut duri dalam daging–melepasnya sesakit itu.

Aku diam.

Berpikir.

Ia juga. Diam.

Biarkan, jangan tergoda memulai obrolan. Dia sengaja tidak membaca pesanku.  Tak ada balasan. Baiklah. Siap-siap sakit. Aku siap, dia pikir ini akan mengganggu hidupku? Rutinitasku?

Tuhan, Kau lebih tahu. Apa maksudnya? Apa yang ia pikirkan? Lagipula. Adakah kehidupan manusia selain itu?  Lahir. Makan dan tumbuh besar. Memamah biak. Menikah. Kawin. Melahirkan. Oya, Berkembang-biak. Dan mengasuk anak dengan pola serta siklus yang sama PERSIS!

Tuhan,. aku tidak mau itu. Aku bosan. Itu terkesan seperti melecehkan. Kau tau? Hewan Ternak? Apa bedanya manusia dengan mereka? Bahkan kata guru haditsku lebih mulia hewan ketimbang manusia tanpa agama. Jasad atau bagian daging mereka masih bisa dikonsumsi, atau dijual meski mereka mati. Manusia? Habis diulati dalam kubur.

Ya, mirip, bukan? Diberi nafsu untuk makan dan melakukan kegaitan seksual. Membuat mahluk yang sama. Sama hinanya! Lalu tinggal menunggu ajal dan tercampur dengan tanah. Tenggelam, dilupakan zaman.

Lantas Kau beri rasa itu. 

Tertarik–menyukai dan cinta.

Saling berkomitmen, yang sejatinya hanya untuk meningkatkan pertumbuhan jumlah penduduk bumi. Tinggal tunggu waktu hingga mereka-anak cucu-berebut O2 dengan mahluk hidup lain.

Tapi ayahku selalu memperingatkanku. Kata beliau aku terdoktrin. Bukan, kok. Aku hanya, ya, mencoba melihat dari perspektif lain.”Ya, perspektif orang tak bertuhan. Tanpa prinsip.” Ayahku menyela.

Ya, mungkin saja. Tetapi aku bukan atheis. Belum, baru mau kukatakan, belum mengklaim agnostik. “Kalau kau percayua hidup itu–kita sebagai manusia sama dengan hewan ternak. That’s meant kita yakin hidup itu tidak memiliki arti. Apapun! Hidup tinggal hidup. Mungkin kamu bernapas, eksresi, berkembang biak. Tapi pikiranmu, ada gir di sanma yang karat. Kamu merasa kehidupan begitu hampanya hingga tak ada sesuatu yang nayta untuk kau nikmati. Kau renungkan, dan kau kagumi sebagai ciptaan-Nya. Tidak ada makna. Dan itulah yang ayah sayangkan dari konsep berpikirmu baru-baru ini,”

Ohya, sudah dengar, kan? Aku tunggu jawab-Mu.