Have you ever been stuck in that feeling?
NO. Not red feeling. THE feeling in that way. I meant, when you really bored with every routine daily activities. Or, you just lack of language to start conversation even to your own besties. You start to be very quite more than anyone can imagine. You. The talkative one has became a most quite person in class. That what exactly happening to me. Nowadays.
I knew, it comes from my fault. I lied to her. I lied to my best friend. I lied to everyone. To ma self. And me, became a traitor, even if your best friend never pretend like that. But, still. You, no, i am a traitor. I treated her. I fuck him because of him i’ve become so closed from my best friend. My only best-friend. That, i dunno i doubt it as the time goes by. Every one asked me to avoid him. Sucha great challange. It’s like you burn all the project that you’ve build all along. I burned my trouble, nope, i burned my memories when i start chat with him, burned the memories when we first met. And yes, it’s fucking hard. But, i agree with my bestie, she’s right. I’ll be hurt my self if it cant stop. Right away.
And i continuing my life, like before and before. Before i knew him, or her. And all of my new friends in this holly shit town. I love this town, tough. But i lose my bestie, i lost the way he chatted me like along ago. I lost our habbit, my bestie. She’s the most meritorious person–who let me know more about my new environment. My new habitat, my new school. And got a lot of friends. Till i know. Maybe she just came to me, to help me in a few times. Then she gone. Gone. 
And another shit happens, just now! Her best-boy-friend just confessed something to me. I really wanna slap his face–you make me in difficult position. You being a jerk. Just like another “him”. How can i.., could i tell every single words you said towards me? Should i tell my bestie? I love her as my best friend. My partner in crime! My only lovely partner. NO, but i am diff with her. I got so many boys around me. And sometimes we made a joke about it. But no, not so long. WE Stopped. Because yes, that! Those shit happened. He–your most precious boy-friend just told me, that he likes me, he fallen in love to me. Damn!!
Should i be a lesbian, god?
I of course will choose the friend ship than the lover boy who got fall to me. Who got into me. And yet, i didn’t find the answer. Either the solution. Will we hold on, till we graduate from this high school? Till we get marry, and died?
God, i know i cant holding on to those people. Because. That’s life. People come and go. I’m just too afraid if i getting too close with someone, they’ll walk out from my life, no matter how close we are.
Catatan si Yasmin 